The past couple of weeks have seen some good movement in my life on a spiritual level. I have been more attentive and loving toward Julie. I have desired to spend more time with my children and less time doing less important things like reading the news, following my sports interests, staying up late, etc. Also, I am working on some important things at Rooftop to help people get connected more effectively and more quickly and have felt a sharp eye and a keen mind to discern some important steps we need to be taking. Julie has noticed this or at least has noticed my demeanor around her and the children and has asked "what's up with you?". I smile because many thoughts go through my mind.
-Why now rather than months ago when I thought the same things is there actual movement in my life?
-I have had good bursts before but few have sustained themselves over the long haul as I would have liked so should I get too confident in what will happen in the days ahead?
-I am a pretty confident and amibitious person who casts vision much easier than I follow through on it, so I am cautious to repeast past sins of over-promising and under performing.
-A main theme in my life has been, "Jeremy you have not reached or lived up to your potential" and I continue to hear that message even today.
-I often care more about what people think about my spiritual fervency instead of what God thinks in His perfect understanding and knowledge of me and my heart. This can lead to me hiding the bad and acting as if it isn't important.
All these questions and sinful thought patterns lead me to a contemplative answer to Julie's question: "what has gotten into you?" My answer to her has NOT been:
-My passion for God compels me to live more obediently and attentively.
-I can just feel the Lord's strength and Spirit within me leading me to live differently.
-It's the right thing and I want to be God's man, trustworthy in the little things that I might be trustworthy with much.
(and other answers like this I may have given in years past)
Rather my answer to her has been, "People must be praying for me."
Let me type that again, MY answer to her has been (and I think I really mean it) "People must be praying for me." If something is different, I confess that it is God's grace manifest in the prayers and faith of my brothers and sisters in Christ upon whose prayers and encoruagement I am dependent to give anything of value back to my Lord and those in my life.
You see, I am a very proud person and that pride has often gotten in the way of my submission and surrender to God my Father. I am a man of great passion and fervor when focused and envisioned with something, especially something I think God wants to do. And yet, my greatest weakness is that I have harbored pride in various forms in my heart over a lifetime of walking with God and learning a ton about Him. I deceive myself, as many Christians do, about how spiritual I really am and in the process I often neglect the most important part of my life. That I have a Creator, Father God who loves me and adores me AND...who wants me to become like His own Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. This process, becoming like Jesus, is the problem because I really don't want to surrender my life as I say I do and experience the struggle and sacrifice of being made, or remade into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ.
Jesus surrendered completely to the Father while on earth, He had to to know and live the life He needed to live so that He could die as the perfect sacrifice. I admit that I struggle to want this and struggle even more to follow through with this. So, for any and all of you who are and have been praying for me..."Thank you!!!"
I am not going to presume upon tomorrow for I do not know what will happen tomorrow (James 4:13-17). I am however very thankful for today and pray that I might honor Him with the day that He has given. I also pray that by His grace, He may bless the desire of my heart to share His love and grace with those He is bringing into my life at this time.
Peace...
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