Grief & Mourning

Since losing our baby to a miscarriage earlier this week, I have spent a lot of time pondering how we are supposed to deal with and process the losses we face in our lives.  We had an ectopic pregnancy back in January where we had to make the very difficult decision to abort the baby through a lethal prescription since it was not viable, having implanted in Julie's fallopian tube.  In a short time, it most likely would have put Julie's life in extreme danger if not killing her through internal bleeding when the baby grew big enough to rupture the tube.  This decision was and still is challenging in the least and troublesome when dwelling on it at length.  Yet, life is hard and everyone has to deal with its difficulties and complexities at some point or many points in their lives.     

This time though, I have not been overly emotional since finding out about losing this baby on Thursday morning.  There have been small moments here and there, and especially with Julie where our minds will wander and sadness comes over us thinking about our lost child.  Yet I wonder if I am grieving enough sometimes... 

As anyone who knows will tell you, I ADORE my children and am fascinated by how God made them and by who they will become.  This past week was a difficult week.  We had ministry events Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday evening.  Also, I had my Greek final on Friday morning which was 30% of my grade and really couldn't be delayed to a better time.  You mix in our five beautiful children and thoughts of self pity or "what about me?" quickly are pushed aside when we consider the abundant blessing of children that God has already given. 

Then there is God's perspective which I (and Julie) try hard to consider in any and all of life's circumstances.  We know according to 2 Cor 5:8 that Paul desired to be absent from the body and instead present with the Lord.  This gives us hope and peace that the moment our baby's heart stopped beating it was instantly in the presence of God and...existing in perfect form, never having to travel a path through this fallen world.  I mean, how cool that this child did not have to deal with the hardship, cruelty, and heart-ache of this world that each of us has had to endure? 

Add to that the reality that though we miss their physical presence here on earth, Julie and I had a role in populating heaven once again with an "image bearing" creature who will proclaim the glory of God for eternity...not to mention welcome each of us when we are finally called home as well.  And as the Scriptures encourage and command us to give thanks in all things, we did have a month of joy and hope as to what could be...and some people never even get that. 

There are numerous things to be thankful for in this earthly loss and we thank God for the ability to see and receive those things.  The challenge on my heart has been how do Julie and I live in faith, believing that life on this earth is "just a vapor" and does not compare with the life to come...and yet be real and honest about our loss and the human process of grieving therein.  I will say that Jason Herbig's message this morning at Rooftop, which was on worship, provided a wonderful environment and place for me to "think on God".  As I was able to focus and meditate, my heart was able to feel and consider what we have been traveling through in our life this past week.  It also provided a great place for me to worship my God in my sadness, just like I am inclined to worship Him when things are going well. 

The question I am pondering is this: Even as we process and mourn our losses on this earth, how should our faith in God and in all of the truths I just referenced, impact how we face trials, hardship, suffering and death?  And how do you and I look different from the world in response to these issues? 

As Jesus said, "we are the light of the world, the salt of the earth, a city on a hill that can not be hidden".  May your light as a follower of Jesus and mine shine in such a way, regardless of our circumstances, that the world is drawn to His love, power, and peace. 

Thank you for your prayers for us as well.

Today's Ultrasound

We found out today that our baby, 10 weeks growing inside Julie's womb, has passed on to eternity.  They could not find a heartbeat during the test, and the past couple of days Julie has not been showing her usual pregnancy signs.  We are saddenned by the news, and we will miss him or her deeply.  The Zilkie family was so looking forward to another member of our crew. 

However, we do know the instant his or her heart stopped beating, this little baby was present with the Lord of the universe, and that is the best thing we could ask for anyone.  Moreover, we are going to see him or her again, along with Noel who was lost earlier this year in similar fashion.  Thanks for your prayers.  We are thanking God for the excitement of this past month, the idea of a 6th child, and the hope that our baby brought even if short in its scope of time.

***Update - Saturday, July 17th

Today, Julie had a D&C performed and was so well taken care of by a loving and supportive staff at St. Johns.  Being a Catholic hospital, they are very pro-life, which is such a blessing to us.  They will take the remains of the baby and will bury it in a special area in their cemetary, in a marked spot  We were so blessed by the dignity of life this shows.  Again, we have been covered by the Lord's grace and faithfulness to us.

-Jeremy & Julie

An Experiment in Self Governance

One of the main themes from this Independence Day is the idea of "Self Governance" and how foreign that was during the years of our countries beginning.  Even today at Rooftop during our monthly emphasis on prayer, I took time for us to consider how unique America was at the time of it's formation.  Nothing like the United States of America had ever really been tried, let alone succeeded.  Prior to that, most countries and peoples were ruled by kings, dictators, conquering rulers, elite classes of privileged people, but not by the common man and definitely not enduring as our nation has. 

Interestingly enough, most of the world now believes that to be a civilized nation, one must have self-governance and some form of democratic rule.  Oh how 234 years can change things.  Thomas Jefferson, one of the founders, said the following about America after its founding:

The object of the republican form of government and of the principles that are essential to that form, is to enable a people to govern themselves to the most practicable extent possible. Not every nation of people are capable of self-government, and many expected the experiment of the Founding Fathers to fail. But it did not fail, and the experiment proved that an educated and enlightened people are capable of self-government. The question remains, however, the extent to which government by the people themselves may be extended.

This year I am so very thankful for the intelligent, idealistic, stubborn, and visionary men who saw what could become of a united colonies and all of the blessings and freedom that have been born out of that.  I go to bed tonight in peace, with no fear of invasion or reprisal because of my race, religion, political views, financial status, etc.  In spite of all of its failures, sins, and evils caused over 234 years of existence, I am so very thankful to God for allowing me to be born in this country and in this era with all of its blessings and challenges.  Moreover, freedom is a rare gift throughout any age, and one I hope to never take for granted.

Building the Kingdom

Several years ago while we were pastoring in Grand Rapids at Kentwood Community Church, we had the privilege of being friends with Henry and Twila Lanning.  They were the most affirming and faith-filled older couple and a delight to talk with and be around.  Week after week when we would see them with our growing family they would come up with huge smiles and speak blessings on us and our children.  Henry especially would stop us and look at our children, smile and say, "Children are a blessing from the Lord."  We of course agreed whole-heartedly with him.  Then he would go on to say something very profound about the kingdom of God.  Henry would say, "You know, there are two ways to fill the kingdom of God with image-bearers that will love and glorify Him.  The first is to convert them into the kingdom.  The second way, is to birth them in.  You Zilkies are obviously serious about seeking first God's kingdom because you are filling it through both means."  Then he would smile and wink and move on to the next person to bless.  He had such a wonderful perspective and really encouraged us in the beginning of our parenting journey.

Well, after a challenging 6 months with an ectopic pregnancy, a couple hospital visits, and some increased tension in the home as we worked through these new challenges in our lives, we Zilkies are pregnant again and this time everything looks good to go!!!  The baby is where it is supposed to be and Julie heard a little heart beat yesterday morning.  We are only 8 weeks along, but are excited after initially thinking it was another ectopic pregnancy we were facing. 

Julie and I would like to thank God for entrusting us with another little image bearer.  Children are a blessing from the Lord and we are thrilled to welcome another  into our home.  And as Henry so eloquently stated, we are also excited to build God's kingdom.  Matthew 6:33 tells us to "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."