Grief & Mourning

Since losing our baby to a miscarriage earlier this week, I have spent a lot of time pondering how we are supposed to deal with and process the losses we face in our lives.  We had an ectopic pregnancy back in January where we had to make the very difficult decision to abort the baby through a lethal prescription since it was not viable, having implanted in Julie's fallopian tube.  In a short time, it most likely would have put Julie's life in extreme danger if not killing her through internal bleeding when the baby grew big enough to rupture the tube.  This decision was and still is challenging in the least and troublesome when dwelling on it at length.  Yet, life is hard and everyone has to deal with its difficulties and complexities at some point or many points in their lives.     

This time though, I have not been overly emotional since finding out about losing this baby on Thursday morning.  There have been small moments here and there, and especially with Julie where our minds will wander and sadness comes over us thinking about our lost child.  Yet I wonder if I am grieving enough sometimes... 

As anyone who knows will tell you, I ADORE my children and am fascinated by how God made them and by who they will become.  This past week was a difficult week.  We had ministry events Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday evening.  Also, I had my Greek final on Friday morning which was 30% of my grade and really couldn't be delayed to a better time.  You mix in our five beautiful children and thoughts of self pity or "what about me?" quickly are pushed aside when we consider the abundant blessing of children that God has already given. 

Then there is God's perspective which I (and Julie) try hard to consider in any and all of life's circumstances.  We know according to 2 Cor 5:8 that Paul desired to be absent from the body and instead present with the Lord.  This gives us hope and peace that the moment our baby's heart stopped beating it was instantly in the presence of God and...existing in perfect form, never having to travel a path through this fallen world.  I mean, how cool that this child did not have to deal with the hardship, cruelty, and heart-ache of this world that each of us has had to endure? 

Add to that the reality that though we miss their physical presence here on earth, Julie and I had a role in populating heaven once again with an "image bearing" creature who will proclaim the glory of God for eternity...not to mention welcome each of us when we are finally called home as well.  And as the Scriptures encourage and command us to give thanks in all things, we did have a month of joy and hope as to what could be...and some people never even get that. 

There are numerous things to be thankful for in this earthly loss and we thank God for the ability to see and receive those things.  The challenge on my heart has been how do Julie and I live in faith, believing that life on this earth is "just a vapor" and does not compare with the life to come...and yet be real and honest about our loss and the human process of grieving therein.  I will say that Jason Herbig's message this morning at Rooftop, which was on worship, provided a wonderful environment and place for me to "think on God".  As I was able to focus and meditate, my heart was able to feel and consider what we have been traveling through in our life this past week.  It also provided a great place for me to worship my God in my sadness, just like I am inclined to worship Him when things are going well. 

The question I am pondering is this: Even as we process and mourn our losses on this earth, how should our faith in God and in all of the truths I just referenced, impact how we face trials, hardship, suffering and death?  And how do you and I look different from the world in response to these issues? 

As Jesus said, "we are the light of the world, the salt of the earth, a city on a hill that can not be hidden".  May your light as a follower of Jesus and mine shine in such a way, regardless of our circumstances, that the world is drawn to His love, power, and peace. 

Thank you for your prayers for us as well.